I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
