so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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