Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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