I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
