she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My ATM looks so different sober.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
