Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just found a bag of teeth...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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