Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
