I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
