I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
try to milk me bitch
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