Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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