On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
