none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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