I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
