i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
