I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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