we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
