im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
