I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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