I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
