Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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