My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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