just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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