since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
