Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
