I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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