So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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