i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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