hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize