I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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