And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
