My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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