Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
