hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
