Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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