Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
