she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i dont even know how to be here
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
