Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
