She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
