At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
