I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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