i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
