It's Friday. Sex?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
