i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
