i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
