I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
