allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
