checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
