Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
