I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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