I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
