My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
