Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
