Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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