I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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