That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
