In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Soap is not a condiment
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
