I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
