You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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